I was tired as I got on the crosstown 14th street bus. I was going to an intergenerational meeting. I was feeling alone, depleted, worried, lost in thought, trying to hold my own, when suddenly I felt someone knock on my shoulder. I ignored it, this being New York. But it came again and so I turned around. An elderly gentleman asked me if I wanted to sit and pointed to an empty seat by the window. I was surprised, smiled gratefully and sat down. It felt good. Then he came over and stood next to me, holding onto the handrail above my head. With his other hand he leaned on a cane. I felt a protective warmth emanate from him. I felt shielded and suddenly I realized that I was being visited by my grandfather. Warm tears rolled down my cheek as I stared out the window. It was a grey bleak day. I glanced up shyly, grateful for the love and support this gentleman was extending me. After a while, he got off the bus and I rode on to my meeting.

The last time I was visited by my grandfather was in the spring, the day before we held a memorial ceremony in his honor. I was coming out of a drug store when an old man called out to me from across the street. Hanging out of his car door, he could hardly walk. He asked me to buy him a new walking cane. I took his bent cane back into the store but they did not have the kind he wanted. I felt bad for him. I suggested the name of another place that might have what he needed and wished him luck.

The man on the 14th street bus also had a cane. My grandfather rode on the 14th street crosstown bus with me! He has shown me that he is alright now. In fact, he can now take care of me!

It was not always like this. My grandfather used to come to me for help. He came to me in my dreams, calling out, falling on me, and I pushed him away in fear, leaving him to sit by the side of the road like a beggar, a drunk, or an invalid. Walking is a symbol of independence. Motorcycle accidents have left me limping and the surgeons's knife has left me scarred and feeling damaged. I have been burdened by the demands of others and I have trouble knowing where their needs end and mine begin. I simply help whomever I can, if and whenever I can, for as long as I can. But lately I am becoming more protective of myself.

I have looked for my grandfather on 14th street many times in the past. I have looked for him in the garbage. Today, he met me on the 14th street bus when he saw that I was feeling fearful and burdened and alone. He brought me strength. I feel rewarded for my loyalty and perseverance over the years, guarding his memory, bringing it back to life. When I accepted the love that was extended to me today but this old man, I was saying yes to love and abundance in my life.

Today, my grandfather rode the 14th street crosstown bus with me. I was not able to talk about this at the intergenerational meeting because there were others there in great pain who needed alot of attention. I tried to stay out of the line of the fire. There was alot of anger and rage and self destruction going on. It is a tragedy. I tried to speak the truth and to express my concern. I was able to speak about my grandfather later in the day at another meeting where people heard me and seemed inspired.

I think it is time to leave the city. I came here looking for my grandfather. I have found him. I need to find someplace to live now. This city is no place to live.