From: randyw@momus.coopnet.org
Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 

Addiction

I think that nicotine usage, for some of us, is a real addiction.
If you think about it, what this notion of addiction implies is
somebody who cannot stop a particular behavior _even when he/she
wants to_  

I'm an alcoholic. The way I experienced that was that, left to my
own devices, I would drink no matter whether I wanted to stop or
not. With a little support I stopped drinking for about 1.5 years,
though I really did little else about staying abstainent. The idea
is, that I am unable to stop on my own, but with some help I _can_
stop. I find that I can do this same thing with nicotine.. with some
help I can stop.

When I stopped drinking and did nothing else, i eventually found
myself unable to sustain my sobriety. I had this emptiness in me.
I had an in ability to "connect" with people. It grew into a heavy
lonliness and then a depression until i felt i could either kill myself
or get loaded. (you can guess which option i took). I've seen this
same restless emptiness in the wake of my withdrawl from nicotine. 

Imagine if you will, some robot-like guy whose hand flies up
and bangs him in the head every 20 minutes. This guy decides
that he does not like hitting himself in the head every 20
minutes and determines that he will stop this immediately.
However, in the next 20 minutes he still bangs himself. It is
so bad that he goes and finds some friends who help him not
hit himself in the head. The friends congratulate him for not
hitting himself, they acknowlege various milestone dates that
this guy's hand does not fly up and hit him. He grits his teeth
and with grim determination he is able to not hit himself in the
head for a whole month. Everyone applaudes this major accomplishment.

Anyway.. you get the point.. the robot guy seems to be a little
crazy. His will is _disconnected_ from his behavior. To me, this
_disconnectedness_ is a core part of addiction. This person is
not a "whole" person but rather is a _fragmented_ person. The
emptiness and _inability to connect with others_ arises from this
inability to connect within. One of the central tasks of an enduring 
recovery from addiction is to _reconnect_ the person.

I think there are lots of ways that a person can reconnect. Some
people would call it re-integration, a religion might refer to a
person becoming whole and AA might offer a vital spiritual experience
through work the steps. The point is, however, that it is possible to
stop an addicition without realizing that there may be more that needs
to be done. It is my experience that I did not reconnect in the aftermath 
of addiction without some real systematic effort to do so.

I work the 12 steps in order to try to put me back together again.
If anyone is interested in that process, I can explain more about
my experience with that. If you can relate to the feelings of 
disconnection, restlessness or emptiness then perhaps you too might
want to pursue some pathway of reintegration.

--randy
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     randyw@coopnet.org     (sys admin) 
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